SMART Goals

Starting this post out with a kind of dumb story from my past.

I wanted to be cheerleader at my high school like nobody's business. Mostly I wanted to be launched into insta-popularity like I'd seen happen with other girls. I was pretty clueless how to become popular otherwise ... developing social skills and eating less roughage didn't occur to me as a priority until I left for college.

Both my junior and senior years, when the cheer-learning period preceding tryouts came around, I went at it with a religious zeal, putting the same effort I put into getting my math homework done and studying for the PSATs into learning the cheers.

Both years I made the first-tier list of finalists, and to surpass the second and final tier, we had to learn a dance routine overnight.

Both years I muffed up some aspect of the performance. Both years I didn't make the team. Both experiences I didn't take well, treating them as catastrophic ends to my hopes of making a name for myself besides whatever mean things were circling around the halls.

There may have been other things factoring into this - but there was most certainly something at the physical level - beneath my intentions, which were all focused intently on joining this tribe - that kept getting in my way.

Over 20 years later, and I can tell you, the memory of all this still smarts some.

But from this experience I also have gained a deep respect and empathy for folks who really, really want something and who put a lot of heart and effort into getting it - and who come up short in the crucial moment.

This is not to discount the power of dreams and goals by any means … it is to affirm the value of understanding there may be more to not achieving a goal than failing to work hard or smart enough.

I don't know why - but I'm inclined to end this post with a "peace" - as in "peace be with you" ... especially for the yous who strive for success in everything - and probably reach it more often than not - may you have peace too.

When the truth leaks out

Holding up a façade takes a heck of a lot of energy. Often the real story, the truth, keeps leaking out.

In The Birdcage (1996), a gay cabaret owner (Robin Williams) and drag queen companion (Nathan Lane) attempt to tuck their whole lifestyle under the sheets to be presentable to their son's fiancee's heavy-handedly right-wing moralistic parents.

From there, hijinks ensue.

Things keep happening (a wig falls forward during dinner, a biological mother shows up); details get overlooked (some fetching dinner bowls).

In your life -
Where do you feel like you're running really hard but not gaining any ground?
Where are you constantly seeing yourself "leak out" when you least want to?

Where do you feel you're stuffing yourself in? Putting a lid on yourself? Squishing yourself into an ill-fitting box or shoe?
What are you doing that exhausts rather than energizes you?

Fame, Wealth, Power, Beauty, and Happiness - and Coaching

When presented with goals around fame, wealth, power, and beauty ... likely the attainment of more of some or all of these things ... do coaches deliver?

I wonder.

Or maybe the question is: SHOULD coaches deliver?

Fame, wealth, power, and beauty are certainly nice to have. Who would turn down:
-an extra $1000/month,
-15 minutes of flattering coverage on national TV (a la joe the plumber before the back taxes came to light),
-a lackey devoted exclusively to you,
-having your decisions judged highly and acted upon quickly,
-(for women) starring in the "after" part of a What Not to Wear makeover (at least the ones without the bowl cut - Nick, what were you thinking?)

But I hear again and again, though, that fame, wealth, power, and beauty are often cited as means to achieving some other end ("If I could just become a prosperous coach, and consistently bring home six figures, then I would be happy")

There is research out there showing that goals which are "means to an end" ("extrinsically satisfying"), like fame, wealth, power, and beauty, relate to unhappiness, anxiety and even some forms of psychopathology, while goals that are satisfying and sustaining in and of themselves ("intrinsically satisfying") like personal growth, affiliation, and community feeling relate to happiness.

Okay, fine - but what about the coach's job, again?

Well, any one person will have lots of goals ... and it's important to get a handle on what a client's whole constellation of life goals looks like (kick-start looking at your own life goal constellation here).

From there, you can get a sense of whether there is a good mix of intrinsic and extrinsic goals or something a bit more lopsided.

There is nothing wrong with "doing something for the money" or "becoming well-known in my field" - it is important to ALSO aspire to "cultivating and deepening friendships" and "spending more time with my children."

What Do Smart Women Do?

Some choose to matriculate at Vassar, Bryn Mawr, or Wellesley. Some dismiss the seven sisters track. Some craft rich cheese. Some finish rich. Some settle. Many vote.

Some purchase smart women products. I saw this in brookline booksmith the other day and coveted it. Shame on me, to be so taken by a piece of ceramic.

De-Shoulding a Business Plan: A Clearing Exercise

My coach is very clever. She somehow gets me engaged in talking about things I'd like to do to grow my own coaching practice, gets the energy going, gets me jazzed, and then at the end says - why don't you try putting all the stuff you just said into a cohesive state, like a business plan?

To which I choked: business plan? (instantly forgetting pretty much everything I'd said prior)

To which she replied: ahhh, one that ARTISTS use. And I'll give you some examples.

OO. I like artist. I like examples.

And lo, I read the examples and thought, wow, maybe I can do this. Then I set to writing my own and thought, oh boy, this is harder than I thought.

For those who don't know me, not only am I reserved, but I am also very shouldy when it comes to my own pursuits.

In constructing the "business plan for artists," I found myself shoulding all over the place.

I've read blogs and newsletters and books and done programs on shoestring and duct tape and action plan marketing, platform building, booking myself solid and building my professional practice, million dollar and six-figure coaching, all with multiple streams and a cherry on top.

According to these materials, there are plenty of rules and musts to follow, including: brand creation, squeeze pages, free samples, list building, productizing, packaging, and funnel building, to name a few.

And when it came down to it, thinking about all these rules I should follow in order to be a successful coach (which, I've learned, also means entrepreneur) made me want to curl up and dye. But I couldn't stop thinking about them.

So, in a handy-dandy little spreadsheet, I set up TWO business plans. One was a "should" business plan, where I spewed all the stuff learned from the books and blogs and programs. That one was on the left (in the Past, in tarot speak). And the other was the "preferred" business plan, where I put in objectives and goals that more suited who I am, where I am in with regard to coaching, and what I like to do. That one was on the right (in the Present/Future, in tarot speak).

Once the two plans were completed, I looked at them, and there was a big difference in language and tone between them. The "should" one was rushed and repeated mantras and buzzwords, while the preferred one sounded more grounded and more like me. And I could actually see myself making progress with the preferred one, while looking at the "should" one was kind of paralyzing.

So - I challenge YOU, who are struggling with creating your own business plans, let the Should voice have its say - on the left. Tire it out. A tired dog is a good dog. A should that has its say gets out of the way. Then fill in the right side with what you actually want, are able, and are willing to commit to doing.

Drop me a line afterward - I'd love to hear how this works for you!

Alluring Couture

There is a blog I read that has nothing to do with coaching or dreamwork or writing - I read it because I flat out like it, just like the way I feel about Basket of Kisses. This blog is Couture Allure, and I'm addicted.

I am a sporadic vintage clothing shopper, opting for sizeless things like 20s opera coats or 50s swing coats - and more of a vintage clothing gawker, especially at vintage clothes in their context, worn by fashionable women of the era ... that's probably one of the reasons I love old magazines (Flair is a particular treat- glorious in design, and absurdly costly to produce).

So this week I'm learning the ins and outs of how to buy a hat and, in Tip #3, the proprietrix of Couture Allure dropped in this quote which stopped me in my tracks: ""Always look at the back view of your tentative hat ... sometimes a dreamy sweep of straw will crumble into a linear apology in the back."

A dreamy sweep of straw will crumble into a linear apology in the back ...

This made me think of two things right off the bat: being in integrity and being careful.

I would prefer to be a dreamy sweep of straw all the way around :)
and I would prefer to be in the COMPANY of dreamy sweeps of straw all the way around.

Precision and Lightness

Your Reluctant Sherpa is named thus because she is 1. fairly reserved (unless we've known each other a while, and then out comes the leopard print and lampshade) and 2. not the most eager to tout the latest whatever (I'd rather land a vintage chanel suit than the most cutting of edge from H&M.).

There are a couple of blogs that are highly touted elsewhere that initially raised my skeptic hackles ("Seth Godin = guru. mm, how nice for him."). But in the spirit of open-mindedness and curiosity I've been reading some of his posts, guessing I would likely be leaving the Seth references, diggs, and stumblings to others.

Today I read a post of his, on precision, that seemed to connect a little with a post on goal-setting I just got around to posting.

For me, when I lightened up on the precision around the outcomes I sought (here, in finding a partner), things started happening:

I don't mean "right" as in "perfect in every way" … in fact, trying to be perfect and precise and cautious seems to mire me in stuckitude instead of neatly delivering to me exactly what I think I am seeking.

SG writes at a more global level about putting precision where it needn't be ...

"Precision is great, it's essential to engineering and to the function of many elements of society. It's almost impossible to be on time without precision, and quality depends on it. But when we reward people for senseless precision (and punish them randomly for not guessing what we actually meant when we asked a question) then all we're doing is muddying the waters about what matters and what doesn't."

What are your thoughts around precision? Where does it fit? Where does it not fit? When is it time to relax precision? When is it time to promote or enforce it? Can it be okay to let go of a "data is" reference sometimes?